Sermons & Stories

Gut Yuntiv!

This morning’s Torah reading has always puzzled me. I can comprehend the washing and the special clothes. The idea of an animal sacrifice makes a lot of sense. But what’s up with sending a goat to Azazel? I know there’s lots of great interpretations and there’s lots of lessons to learn, but really? Put everyone’s sins on a goat and send it off to the wilderness to some kind of goat demon or fallen angel or something?

It just seems strange within the context of the Torah.  I know it comes from someplace. There’s a reason why a goat for Azazel is in the Torah – I just don’t know why.

And at this point I feel that we can just add it to the list of all the things that I don’t know. Among the things I don’t know is how Daryl Davis, an African American jazz musician, can talk to people in the KKK and convince them that black people are people, too. In interviews, he explains that he studies the KKK, shares that he has some knowledge, and then he listens and makes a connection. Once he knows they have something in common, he slowly chips away at their ideology through talking, not fighting. After people leave the KKK, they have given him their hood. Daryl Davis has over two hundred hoods. I don’t know how he does it.

I also don’t know anything about calculous or gardening or the Spanish language. I don’t know how to make that perfect poached egg – but one day I’ll learn. And I don’t know how we could have a winter storm back in February and we still have more than one of our families at CBI who are not back in their homes. The stories of fights with the insurance, the contractors, the paperwork… It’s truly unbelievable!

In this time of uncertainty, I’m not the only one who hasn’t had all the answers. Even so, “I don’t know,” is not always the easiest thing to say. Perhaps that’s why in the Talmud, our rabbis encourage us to, quote, “Teach your tongue to say, ‘I don't know,’” (Berachot 4a). This comes from a passage relating to deceit. If we pretend to recognize something that we don’t or pretend to know something with greater certainty than we have, we’re deceiving the person we’re speaking with and we could inadvertently lead them astray.

Rashi took this teaching to heart. In Genesis 28:5, Rebekah is mentioned as the mother of Jacob and Esau. When commenting on this verse, Rashi, one of the greatest rabbinic minds ever, says, “I do not know what the addition of these words intent to tell us.” You might ask – Why not skip over it? Why say anything at all? Rashi didn’t want to deceive anyone. At this point in the Bible, we’ve known Rebekah to be Jacob and Esau’s mother. Any time a detail is repeated, our rabbis usually find a reason because every word has meaning. So Rashi acknowledged that something was going on, but rather than make something up, he learned the lesson from the Talmud and said, “I don’t know.”

It actually takes a good bit of ego to be vulnerable and admit that we don’t know. We might be concerned about embarrassment if we don’t know something that others do, or feelings of inadequacy. But pretending doesn’t make it better, it just puts up a barrier, a lack of authenticity that doesn’t help the relationship.

My role model on this issue is my life partner, Adena. And I’m not just saying that because Adena is amazing and I’m her biggest fan – which is all true. She has an openness and curiosity about her that few people have. And I’ve seen her do it with adults and with kids and most often with our kids where someone will ask her if she knows something. If she doesn’t know, she’ll give the person an opportunity to teach her. She’s patient and asks clarifying questions – she wants the person to know that she’s interested. She really listens. It’s amazing the way she does that with about everyone except me. I’m not as good at this as she is, but I try. Adena really is my role model on this one.

Unfortunately, just because we don’t know doesn’t mean that we get to avoid making decisions. So many times we don’t have all the information, we don’t know the answer, and yet we have to make a decision. Decisions about our children or family, decisions about our job, medical decisions, end of life decisions... Sometimes we have options that are both good, but we can’t decide which is the best. Sometimes we don’t have any good options and we have to figure out which is less bad.

It’s a humbling experience and usually not a comfortable one. And yet we’ve been doing it throughout our lives and especially over the past eighteen months. If we fail to say, “I don’t know,” when we should, there’s an “Al cheit” for that. If we make a decision in the face of uncertainty, without any good or right answers, there’s no mistake to claim. We are imperfect people with imperfect knowledge making imperfect decisions. In those moments, it really helps to have compassion on ourselves and ask God to be compassionate as well.

What we’re not always good at, especially if we don’t like someone else’s decision, is offering others empathy or some of the same compassion that we ask for ourselves. They are the same imperfect people we are. We’ve stood in their place. Before we judge, try to understand with openness and curiosity.

There’s a lot that I don’t know. I do know that in our flawed and fallible way, most of us are trying our best. As we continue to struggle through this challenging time, learn to say, “I don’t know” and remember that none of us have all the answers, so be kind to one another and be kind to ourselves.

May we all be sealed for a good year!

G’mar Chatima Tova!